sinister forces are at play. the macabre woes of my lady kind are upon me. it's a feeling close to death. i must sleep and drink teas, but the world demands more from me.
but does it really? i have been realizing how much work i make my life. at times it is rewarding, but i often exhaust myself. it is not the actual work but my thoughts and expectations. i torment myself with hidden "shoulds" and "needs." to be frank, no one demands much from me besides myself. i don't think it is necessarily a bad thing, but there is a crucial balance. i need to be kind to myself.
even there, that tricky word "need" makes it so heavy. makes it a chore. a task to be done, and a failure if not completed. why not phrase it as an option, a question, a possibiity. i ought to be kind to myself. there, much lighter.
i will drink my teas and rest and trust that the rest will be alright.
at a cafe this morning. the magic of my first chai of the season is warm in my mouth. i had friends over dinner last night. we'll call them S & C. we played cards and made a pizza, which i had the leftovers of for breakfast this morning. i'm so busy this semester so it's really important to me to have scheduled time with friends, and it especially helps with the dread of feeding myself at times. i'm so lukcy to have the support that i have now.
my lover, K, is coming over tonight and i'm very excited. we've had some rocky bits but therapy has been helping me and i think also the space with us both being so busy. it feels like all i do is watch movies and read books about people in really unhappy domestic relationships (and 80s slashers), so it's no doubt i have weird feelings about long term relationships. my parents are married but i don't see it as ideal and i don't really have any positive marriage or even couple ideals in my life so that's hard. but i'm trying to stay present in each moment and stop making comparisons to anybody else or any other moment. i get so in my head and make it miserable for both of us. i'm so lucky to have them, i don't want to lose them because of my fear.
trying to make the most of my time these days even when i'm super busy. yesterday i made cinnamon rolls while i was working and that was nice. sometimes i work outside. a cup of tea is always nice. i might as well try to enjoy what i inevitably have to do. and am being much more intentional with my time outside of school work. hard stops and brain breaks and truly following my intuition of what feels good in any given moment.
someone on my block burnt their toast this morning. i could smell it for quite some time as i walked to the store. it was a rainy morning. i had a rain coat and an umbrella but i kept putting my hand out into the rain, it feels like cool kisses on my fingers and my palm. burnt toast and cool kisses.
the air is starting to get crisp and some of the leaves have already begun to turn. i take careful inventory of my surroundings. one new orange leaf, a pumpkin on my neighbor's doorstep, 3 shrubs of dead flowers from the passing season. sometimes i find myself staring outside trying to capture the exact moment of change. i know it doesn't work like that, nature is sneaky. a flower blooms, a leaf reddens, all before my eyes but yet i can never see it. not until it's already happened.
sometimes when i am waiting for someone i will stare at one small point that i know they will eventually cross. one second they won't be there, and the next they will be. i love to do that, it feels like magic.
dear universe,
tomorrow i will be tested. i have made many sacrifices in preparation for this: sleep, spirited drinks, fingernails, and many many hours. i am soothed knowing that i have done my part, but i pray that you and your higher forces be in my favor. i am certain you have helped along the way, and for this i am grateful. i simply ask that for three more hours, starting at 8am, that you please be on my side. grant me strength and great determination, allow me to be quick and sharp, and guide me to clarity so that this long journey can close and i can prepare for the next.
eternally yours,
hera
very good day. feeling full and tired. satisfied.
woke up early (normal time) and got ahead on some chores, made delicious oatmeal and had therapy while drinking from my freud mug. she thought that was funny. i have figured a lot out in the last few sessions. she's proud of me and i'm proud of me. are you?
it was the first day of classes here, though i don't have any class on tuesdays. i still made my way to campus and did some work there before lunch. i have been feeling very inspired and academic recently. it feels so good. i love learning!
in the afternoon, i made my way to the library to gather some content for my perusing. i got: an atlas of the difficult world by adrienne rich, it came from the closet: queer reflections on horror by various authors, and a book about the museum of modern art. technically the time i'm spending writing this is time i thought i would spend looking at those but they are all more word heavy than i can bear right now after lots of dense reading this afternoon. i just want to look at pictures or do something with my hands. played some solitaire but even that felt like too much brain. i'm basically just stalling until i can go to bed.
all of my favorite diaries on here are so juicy and i want that but that is unfortunately just not my life these days. sometimes when i am madly in love or obsessed aobut someone or something, i get really emotional in my journal but that hasn't been the case. eep maybe that's a bad sign about my current relationship. i tell myself that just means its stable, but i think i should still feel more than i do. i am also very influenced by what i am reading at the time, like if i am reading an author who writes very florally and lyrical, my own inner dialogue and writing leans more like that. odd. i just want to make an effort to think about my days in other ways than what i got done or whatever. will try again next time.
goodnight. weird tone shift from the beginning of this entry. started just thinking about my yummy dinner (i had tortellini soup)...ok goodnight fr this time.
it is so hard to be good. as much as i am gald i am a person with big goals and high standards for myself, i sometimes wish i could just not care. this world makes it so hard to focus and so exhausting just to live. it is so much easier to give in and doomscroll and watch tv all day. at a certain point, pretty early on for me, that starts to feel horrible but it is so hard to snap out of it.
i'm reading the society of the spectacle right now and watched a scary documentary last night about digital privacy, and am just feeling so fed up at the fuckers who made our society the way it is. i hate late-stage capitalism, i hate social media, i hate the polarization. UGH. it's not that i don't want to do anything, i just want it to not feel like i have to resist against every other force upon me to do well, to live well.
i decided to give up algorithms and to redo my internet experience. that's why i return to neocities. i have started using qwant as my browser and am using this and obsidian for my notes and media logs. i'm already off of most social media but i deleted my pinterest and youtube accounts. i don't want a computer to know what i like better than i do. i want to be curious again and i want to be able to name what artists i like and what movies i just watched without having to refer to an app. i want to pay attention. there is so much to see and so much to learn.
i already browse at the library very often, but i want to make a point to pick up some things for my curiousity each week. art books, magazines, random biographies...i will use these as starting points for further learning (which i will allow myself the internet for), but i want to get interested on my own accord.
maybe this all sounds dumb or like a have major issues but whatever. this is my renaissance.