very good day. feeling full and tired. satisfied.
woke up early (normal time) and got ahead on some chores, made delicious oatmeal and had therapy while drinking from my freud mug. she thought that was funny. i have figured a lot out in the last few sessions. she's proud of me and i'm proud of me. are you?
it was the first day of classes here, though i don't have any class on tuesdays. i still made my way to campus and did some work there before lunch. i have been feeling very inspired and academic recently. it feels so good. i love learning!
in the afternoon, i made my way to the library to gather some content for my perusing. i got: an atlas of the difficult world by adrienne rich, it came from the closet: queer reflections on horror by various authors, and a book about the museum of modern art. technically the time i'm spending writing this is time i thought i would spend looking at those but they are all more word heavy than i can bear right now after lots of dense reading this afternoon. i just want to look at pictures or do something with my hands. played some solitaire but even that felt like too much brain. i'm basically just stalling until i can go to bed.
all of my favorite diaries on here are so juicy and i want that but that is unfortunately just not my life these days. sometimes when i am madly in love or obsessed aobut someone or something, i get really emotional in my journal but that hasn't been the case. eep maybe that's a bad sign about my current relationship. i tell myself that just means its stable, but i think i should still feel more than i do. i am also very influenced by what i am reading at the time, like if i am reading an author who writes very florally and lyrical, my own inner dialogue and writing leans more like that. odd. i just want to make an effort to think about my days in other ways than what i got done or whatever. will try again next time.
goodnight. weird tone shift from the beginning of this entry. started just thinking about my yummy dinner (i had tortellini soup)...ok goodnight fr this time.
it is so hard to be good. as much as i am gald i am a person with big goals and high standards for myself, i sometimes wish i could just not care. this world makes it so hard to focus and so exhausting just to live. it is so much easier to give in and doomscroll and watch tv all day. at a certain point, pretty early on for me, that starts to feel horrible but it is so hard to snap out of it.
i'm reading the society of the spectacle right now and watched a scary documentary last night about digital privacy, and am just feeling so fed up at the fuckers who made our society the way it is. i hate late-stage capitalism, i hate social media, i hate the polarization. UGH. it's not that i don't want to do anything, i just want it to not feel like i have to resist against every other force upon me to do well, to live well.
i decided to give up algorithms and to redo my internet experience. that's why i return to neocities. i have started using qwant as my browser and am using this and obsidian for my notes and media logs. i'm already off of most social media but i deleted my pinterest and youtube accounts. i don't want a computer to know what i like better than i do. i want to be curious again and i want to be able to name what artists i like and what movies i just watched without having to refer to an app. i want to pay attention. there is so much to see and so much to learn.
i already browse at the library very often, but i want to make a point to pick up some things for my curiousity each week. art books, magazines, random biographies...i will use these as starting points for further learning (which i will allow myself the internet for), but i want to get interested on my own accord.
maybe this all sounds dumb or like a have major issues but whatever. this is my renaissance.